Sittin' on the dock of the bay..

Well, have things been interesting. Random. Exciting. So many, many words to describe what I'm feeling. I began my new job as a hospice RN case manager- and I love it. Learning, absorbing as much as possible, and walking around with confidence- as much as I still get chills thinking of that last job, which was horrifying, I know that this job is meant and I'm already respected and give respect in this new job. A side job has randomly occurred, in a wonderful fashion! I've been doing some pin up modeling for a few different projects.. and I LOVE IT! I'm a 2013 calendar pin up model.. for not just one, but two calendars.. and potentially some more projects in the works. I guess it's true, when you stop looking in life, life miraculously happens.

On the home front- well, my new apartment (well, almost 3 months now) has truly become a home. My amazing boyfriend moved in with me.. and myself, him, and our baby girl Maltese puppy, Mia Amore, are one happy family <3 Cooking on a weekly basis..laughing, relaxing, and most importantly.. smiling. I haven't felt this is, well, never. I am blessed & am thankful for every single moment and breath I take. If you asked me a year ago what I thought or where I thought I'd be now, I'd say hospitalized, jailed, dead.. and it wasn't as bad as it could of been. 

I've finally realized the terrible, ill treatment that occurred while I was there (there as in the last 3 years) and I am now ready to move past & enjoy my future. I love my life, for the first time in a very long time. Well- cheers to the future.. and I wish everyone the same. La dolce vita <3

Eat, Pray, Love..

It's been awhile since I've blogged. Had to take sometime to get life in order again. I'm now happily settled into my own mecca, my area of zen. My Mia & I have grown together through out these life changing moments.. and I've learned a lot about life & myself over the past few months. And that's not including what I've learned over the past 3 years. "When you lose balance, you lose power". Yes, that's from eat, Pray, Love.. (which is currently playing in the background). I've watched that movie a lot over the past 2 months. The fact that it's a true story, a real life that occurred and being told by Elizabeth Gilbert, helps inspire & encourage me, everyday.

So since I've written last, I've continued on with my BSN- 6 classes in, 7 to go. Got a wonderful job offer- a real dream job, that I start in a few weeks. Made a home in a brand new place. Found my inner happiness again. Found love, that I didn't know existed. I also began cooking. Yes, I've mastered my family homemade madinad (marinara for those who don't understand what I just wrote), and the family gravy! Made limoncello and orangcello.. which turned out wonderful. I've learned how to make a real home, one where I don't have to worry if my bed is made right away, or if the trash can is full (although.. those that know me.. I am a clean freak). I've learned the beauty in keeping to myself, only surrounding myself around those that deserve it & that I want to be around. I do not have to be around anyone that I do not want to be anymore.

Currently- Eat, Pray, Love is on in the background..a glass of homemade white wine sangria is sitting next to me while I type. I will be writing more frequent. I will end with this.. if your not happy in life, whether it's your job, your residence, or even your relationship- get out, change it, because life is way to short. Happy weekend : )

                                                                           & I am one of these girls.. <3                                            I will use it and not let it go to waste.

Red lipstick.. all on the paper..

It's finally spring..and the weather is beautiful. The weather sings happily as you walk around, especially with the puppy. So our life is settling down now..sort of. At least the apartment is up and running, and Mia is actually behaving. We're in training.. but I truly feel like she knows we're home. It really is funny where life takes you. One minute you're lonely, lost, questioning every move you've ever made. Then the next, you're appreciative of the second chance you've been given, and your mind starts racing and filling with wonderful ideas of the things you want to accomplish. Now, motivation, that's a whole nother story. As I think of positive ideas, I write them on post-its and stick them on the wall above my desk. The current ones include.. "I am not a loser, I'm accomplsihed!", "If you can't make anyone happy, make yourself happy", "and "You must love you first before anyone else!". I'm trying to change my self-image..thinking of yourself as a "loser" because of divorce, and unemployment, is not realistic. I am and RN, finishing my BSN, I have my OWN apartment (finally) and taking care of myself and my puppy. I also have a life (well 26 years) of experience to guide my future. Current bucket list includes: (aside from the list of traveling I want to do); Learn Italian, Become Buddhist, Finish my BSN then possibly go onto my MSN, and finish the Feminine Mystique. That's updated daily, but that is the current. So, I feel throughout life everyone has a theme song.. it can change from time to time due to what is going on.. my current is Part of Me by Katy Perry. The part that is carried around with me daily is;

Now look at me, I'm sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won't ever put me out again
I'm glowing, oh woah oh
So you can keep the diamond ring
It don't mean nothing anyway
In fact you can keep everything
Yeah, yeah
Except for me
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

Cheers to everyone's day! Especially the Phillies.. opening day! Best season of the year <3

Make it one for my baby, and one more for the road..

Happy Spring. So, I'm at Starbucks (absolute hipster style). Had to escape from the apartment because I need new carpets, yes, just a week in. Huge flood Sunday (kind of reminiscent to my life) and everything had to be torn up. So they are putting new ones in currently. I dropped puppy off to be groomed.. and now I'm trying to get through my homework, but apparently my ADD has kicked in and I'm doing everything but. Jogged my first 5k this Sunday for my beloved Debbi, and I was in the middle of an asthma flare up for a few days prior, so I was pretty excited when I didn't have to stop & I completed it in 35 minutes! So, on this apartment thing.. I can't believe it still. I have my place, my zen garden, that I have always wanted. Not that I planned, or expected this life change, but I'm learning to accept it everyday a little more and more. I'll end this on this note..life's not always what you expected, but take the bag you've been give, and rock the hell out of it! Cheers.

Starting Anew

So, today I start fresh (well, sort of). I move into my very own apartment, with my puppy of course. I'm alone, I'm scared, excited, confused, angry.. just moving along through them all. Sold the most valuable belonging to me yesterday. Even though some people don't agree with me, but a divorce is a death. It kills you inside, whether it was good or bad. Whether it was for the best or not. I do, still through it all, believe things happen for a reason. So let's see where this takes me.. I'm ready.

Where's the exit sign?

Can anyone tell me? Do you ever just look around and think.. how the hell did I get here and how the hell can I get out? I try to articulate the best way I can. I'm not perfect, nor have I EVER claimed to be. I have people come in and out of my life.. some I wonder where they went? Guess it's just another day. Definitely loner status.

I glady surrender myself to you..

As I sit here, on a deary Wednesday morning, my puppy in my lap, hot tea next to me, with Body and Soul blaring from my iPhone by Tony Bennett and Amy Winehouse. What a pleasant morning. Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged, but I'm back on the saddle.  I made my move, my big official move. I'm on my own again..starting anew. Scared as hell.. but I've fallen on my ass a few times to figure things out. Waiting on a very important phone call from a hospital I've always wanted to work for..and also waiting to here from the lovely state of NJ to see if my loan went through so I can finish this BSN.
..Ya know I must say, since I turned 23.. I've learned a hell of a lot about myself, people. relationships, where I want to be and what I deserve..I know you will continue to learn as you go on about life, grow older, etc. The one thing I now know is.. YOU CAN'T PLAN SHIT! You're plan will either happen, or not, or turn out completely opposite. I'm happy, excited for starting my life again, but at the same time sad, disapointed, this wasn't in my plans I say over and over. I still wish I could go to Bali and meet with Kiut Liar, and ask him where my life is going. Perhaps get a drawing that explains everything begins at the heart, and have four feet to ground you in this life. I also want to go to India and study with Buddhist monks. Well.. I guess all I can say is, here's to the future, wherever it may lead.. let it be a good one.

I'm beginning to see the light..

Literally. Fell off my beautiful, imaginary horse two days ago. We ( my husband and I) decided it's now or never. Day two.. no alcohol. We have a mission to change our lives and our choices before it's two late...so day two.

I'll be seeing you..

In all the old familiar places.

So, I'm beginning to think I pushed "play", too fast. I ran for an hour in the cold, and then sat outside in the cold for another hour.. just to avoid. It's funny the places I'm finding comfort in now. I hope this doesn't last forever, my biggest fear is a wasted life. Well, on another note.. pup got her shots today.. and she's now 3 lbs! YAY! My baby girl.. couldn't do it without her....

<3

A side note from old blog..

The blog I wrote that spoke of me saying that I feel I've pressed "pause", like in a video game. That I'm afraid to press play because I'm scared of what's to come. Either change or not. Either good or bad. Well, I've pressed play.. and I'm sure hoping that I win the game..

Home

So I've come here on a journey. I do believe I'm going through a "quarter life crisis". From piercing my ears, to then my belly button, now adding a new amazing tattoo that just gives me the strength I have been missing by just looking at it. Questions that have been running through my head have been.. stay in career or start over, work on marriage or run for the hills, or just plain run away and join the circus?! I'm sure I could work on being a tight rope walker.. or a clown (which isn't far off from what I'm feeling). I've been going through trials and tribulations over the past, well, year. Job gain, body giving up on me, job loss, marriage, troubled marriage, regaining my strength after losing job.. and so it goes. I've come here to just..talk, well I guess type. I don't want to continue to bother the people I love with my self-loathing and self-doubt. Recently, I moved back to my mother's for a few weeks, returned back to my home yesterday. I must say, in those some odd weeks, I found myself again. I smile, laugh, hell I even prance around dancing to the music. So, here it goes..let's give this a try....